Alone?

I'm used to being alone. Most of the time it's just me and my four children. Five days a week from 8 till 5.30 my husband is at work, so I'm very accustomed to the four walls, four children and little else, but I'm okay with that, after 14 years, it's normal! So, could I possibly feel any lonelier? Yes.

I'm the sort of person that will avoid going to the Dr's, I virtually have to be dragged there. I am very frightened of hospitals, and go to pieces when it comes to blood, operations and the like. I've been grateful that I've only been in hospital four times in my entire life. But each time was for the birth of my children, and obviously I wasn't ill! However, all four were born by Cesarean (which being major abdominal surgery means it is rather traumatic!) but God says children are a gift from Him, a blessing (oh there are plenty of obnoxious children around, but I put that down to obnoxious parents!) so although I was having major surgery each time, at the end of it I was getting something wonderful, a treasure.

In stark contrast, after spending a nightmarish few hours in the accident and emergency department of our local hospital, to be then wheeled down dark, eery corridors, suffering from abdominal pain and not knowing why and then hearing talk of a possible operation to remove my appendix, well unsurprisingly my fear began to increase as the uncertainty of what was going to happen and what was wrong with me became apparent.

Suddenly I felt utterly alone. But as my panic grew, thoughts seeped into my mind.

God has been down this spooky looking corridor ahead of you.

He's seen the beginning of your life all the way through to the end, He knew this day was coming.

He already knows what's causing the pain, infact He has allowed it

He's with you, He's not deserted you and never will.

Don't fret, you're loved and not alone.

And so the choice was obvious, do I look only at what my eyes can see, or do I trust Him Who sees all things, knows all things, and loves me with a love that I can scarcely comprehend.

For me all turned out well, tests and scans were clear, and everything was normal, no answer to what was causing the pain was found and eventually I was allowed to go home. But that doesn't always happen, things can and do turn horrible for people. Death at some point comes to us all.

Could I still say God is good if I were still in the hospital right now, perhaps seriously ill, on the brink of death. Can I only be 'happy' because it all turned out okay, so 'praise the lord'? No. God really does see all, and we see so little with our human eyes. If I can trust Him for my life after my death, surely I can trust Him with my life now. Both take a leap of faith, complete abandon to Him, and a child-like trust that He knows what He's doing.

But that's what walking with Him is about surely. This faith that we profess to have in God, must be tested, must be moved from simply head knowledge, so that you are almost stepping out on what looks like thin air. For when you do step of a cliff edge, in what looks to other like a wild, foolish faith, and find your feet on a solid ground, you end up coming out the other side of a trial with your heart more knitted to His. He doesn't come closer to you, He's already one with you, but your 'trust' gets stronger, and that's all he really wants - all he requires is that we believe Him.

I'm 'alone' again today - just me and the children and God. One day it will be even less than that. At the minute we can all say - it's me and my 'ministry', me and my 'gift', me and my 'knowledge', me and 'what Ive sacrificed', me and 'what I do for the lord''. Me and, me and, me and...oh it's nauseating. Mercifully when we see Him face to face all that fluff that we use to gain our identity, our worth from, will be gone, I don't believe He's as interested in those things as we assume - what we can do or give up for Him. He's interested in us, as His dear children, just like I am interested in my children because they are mine, not what they can do for me.

One day it won't be me and my 'crutches' that give me worth and make me feel pleasing in His sight. It will just be me and Him. And actually I have that right now, whether I'm in a crowded room, or if it's just me and my children, or sitting somewhere in a cold, hospital corridor, ultimately it's just me and Him.

A dear lady shared the following verse on facebook earlier in the week, it echoed so clearly the thoughts that God so obviously placed in my mind whilst in hospital, I smiled and wept a little at the comforting words. Looking at this verse through the lens of the cross, we actually have it far better than those Israelites did when they heard those words. The truth is greater, more astounding for us, this side of the cross. God is not some entity that floats around in front of me, a pillar of fire by day, a cloud by night. He's not just a friend at my side, or even a book on a shelf. He is not just with me, He is one with me (1 Cor. 6:17), I am never, ever alone.

The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8